I am forwarding an article from The New York Times that John Ballard sent. So many
applications here -- start talking to your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, and
neighbors!
To God be the glory, Amen!
Begin forwarded message:
From: John Addison Ballard <john.ballard(a)anu.edu.au>
Date: March 20, 2013, 6:55:33 AM EDT
To: Phyllis Fleming <phyllis(a)shelbycountyindiana.org>
Subject: an excuse for family history
The Stories That Bind Us
By BRUCE FEILER - NY Times, 15 March
. . . . The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of
all: develop a strong family narrative.
I first heard this idea from Marshall Duke, a colorful psychologist at Emory University.
In the mid-1990s, Dr. Duke was asked to help explore myth and ritual in American
families.
“There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family,” he told me
at his home in suburban Atlanta. “But we were more interested in what families could do to
counteract those forces.”
Around that time, Dr. Duke’s wife, Sara, a psychologist who works with children with
learning disabilities, noticed something about her students.
“The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face
challenges,” she said.
Her husband was intrigued, and along with a colleague, Robyn Fivush, set out to test her
hypothesis. They developed a measure called the “Do You Know?” scale that asked children
to answer 20 questions.
Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your
mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an
illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story
of your birth?
Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of
2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the
children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached
an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the
stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the
more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned
out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.
“We were blown away,” Dr. Duke said.
And then something unexpected happened. Two months later was Sept. 11. As citizens, Dr.
Duke and Dr. Fivush were horrified like everyone else, but as psychologists, they knew
they had been given a rare opportunity: though the families they studied had not been
directly affected by the events, all the children had experienced the same national trauma
at the same time. The researchers went back and reassessed the children.
“Once again,” Dr. Duke said, “the ones who knew more about their families proved to be
more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.”
Why does knowing where your grandmother went to school help a child overcome something as
minor as a skinned knee or as major as a terrorist attack?
“The answers have to do with a child’s sense of being part of a larger family,” Dr. Duke
said.
Psychologists have found that every family has a unifying narrative, he explained, and
those narratives take one of three shapes.
First, the ascending family narrative: “Son, when we came to this country, we had
nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your
father went to college. And now you. ...”
Second is the descending narrative: “Sweetheart, we used to have it all. Then we lost
everything.”
“The most healthful narrative,” Dr. Duke continued, “is the third one. It’s called the
oscillating family narrative: ‘Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our
family. We built a family business. Your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your
mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who
was once arrested. We had a house burn down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what
happened, we always stuck together as a family.’ ”
Dr. Duke said that children who have the most self-confidence have what he and Dr. Fivush
call a strong “intergenerational self.” They know they belong to something bigger than
themselves.
Leaders in other fields have found similar results. Many groups use what sociologists
call sense-making, the building of a narrative that explains what the group is about.
Jim Collins, a management expert and author of “Good to Great,” told me that successful
human enterprises of any kind, from companies to countries, go out of their way to capture
their core identity. In Mr. Collins’s terms, they “preserve core, while stimulating
progress.” The same applies to families, he said.
Mr. Collins recommended that families create a mission statement similar to the ones
companies and other organizations use to identify their core values.
The military has also found that teaching recruits about the history of their service
increases their camaraderie and ability to bond more closely with their unit.
Cmdr. David G. Smith is the chairman of the department of leadership, ethics and law at
the Naval Academy and an expert in unit cohesion, the Pentagon’s term for group morale.
Until recently, the military taught unit cohesion by “dehumanizing” individuals, Commander
Smith said. Think of the bullying drill sergeants in “Full Metal Jacket” or “An Officer
and a Gentleman.”
But these days the military spends more time building up identity through communal
activities. At the Naval Academy, Commander Smith advises graduating seniors to take
incoming freshmen (or plebes) on history-building exercises, like going to the cemetery to
pay tribute to the first naval aviator or visiting the original B-1 aircraft on display on
campus.
Dr. Duke recommended that parents pursue similar activities with their children. Any
number of occasions work to convey this sense of history: holidays, vacations, big family
get-togethers, even a ride to the mall. The hokier the family’s tradition, he said, the
more likely it is to be passed down. He mentioned his family’s custom of hiding frozen
turkeys and canned pumpkin in the bushes during Thanksgiving so grandchildren would have
to “hunt for their supper,” like the Pilgrims.
“These traditions become part of your family,” Dr. Duke said.
Decades of research have shown that most happy families communicate effectively. But
talking doesn’t mean simply “talking through problems,” as important as that is. Talking
also means telling a positive story about yourselves. When faced with a challenge, happy
families, like happy people, just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them
overcoming the hardship. This skill is particularly important for children, whose identity
tends to get locked in during adolescence.
The bottom line: if you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of
your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones.
That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to
come.
“This Life” appears monthly in Sunday Styles. This article is adapted from Bruce Feiler’s
recently published book, “The Secrets of Happy Families: How to Improve Your Morning,
Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smart, Go Out and Play, and Much More.”