Mime-Version: 1.0
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 08:17:27 -0400
To: ddtuss(a)wcnet.org
From: Diana Tussing <diana(a)newton.bgsu.edu>
Status:
>X-Sender: cdparker(a)wcnet.org
>Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 20:43:10 -0400
>To: diana(a)newton.bgsu.edu
>From: Charlotte Parker <cdparker(a)wcnet.org>
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>
>A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and
>help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of
>innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C.
>But I'm 60 now and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down
>terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the Army. They've got the
>whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off the fight, they
>ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at
>least 35.
>For starters:
>-- Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys
>only think about sex every 15 seconds, leaving us more than 28,000
>additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
>-- Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and a cranky soldier
>is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
>submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm angry!" "Where's
the remote control?"
>An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war
>until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on
>the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35
>and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do
>wonders for the beer belly.
>An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before noon. Old guys get up early
>just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper).
>If old guys were captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably
>forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a
>real brain teaser.
>If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much get into the Army without
>a hitch. According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance
>exam (officially called an SVAB), but the sample questions I saw weren't
>exactly headache material. For example:
>A magnet will attract:
>a) water
>b) a flower
>c) a cloth rag
>d) a nail
>I took a wild stab and guessed, "nail," knowing they'd probably stick me
in
>some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.
>If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are needed to
>run 20 machines?
>a) 16
>b) 18
>c) 3
>d) 60
>Let's see...three workers per machine times 20
>machines...errr...hmmm...uhhh...60?
>Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language, just
>in case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory.
>Small most nearly means:
>a) Sturdy
>b) Round
>c) Cheap
>d) Little
>I knew this cheap, little sturdy guy once, but I wrote down little.
>Now you know where the first questions come from for the "Who Wants To Be A
>Millionaire" game show.
>Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
>screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed
>a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than
>naps.
>The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the
>desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
>side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give me...er...one!"
>And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone
>outrun a bullet.
>I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a
>hill looking down on the cows. "Let's run down there and make love to one
>of those cows," says the young bull. "How about we WALK down there and
>make love to ALL those cows," replies the old bull.
>Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good
>reason, too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
>learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants
>without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking
>out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a
>200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
>
>All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about
>life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track
>down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts four weeks ago.
>The last thing they'd want to see right now is a couple of million old guys
>with attitude.
>
>
>Charlotte D. Parker
>535 W. Gypsy Lane Rd., #281
>Bowling Green, OH 43402
>
>(419) 354-5907
>
> Yesterday is history,
> Tomorrow is a mystery,
> Today is a gift.
> That's why we call it
> "The Present".....
>
*********************************************************
*
* Diana Tussing
* Department of Physics And Astronomy
* Bowling Green State University
* Bowling Green, OH 43403
*
* Phone 419-372-2421 Fax 419-372-9938
*
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