----- Original Message -----
From: Kelly Runyon-Bragg
Sent: Sunday, December 02, 2001 10:12 PM
Subject: A new contract for Santa..
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are
a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as
well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee
on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is
Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All
I
Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams
Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus,You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209