TWO LONGS AND A SHORT - And Other Tales of The Old West
- by Dick Pence, 1984
Several years ago I bought several copies of Dick Pence's
delightfully funny little book and have had untold numbers
of laughs while reading it.
If you long for the 'good old days' of the "Mayberry, USA"
type switchboard operator, when it didn't take an 'Act of
Congress' to reach someone on the phone, then the stories in
this well written little book are for you.
There is no ISBN or LOC # for it; and I'm not even sure if Mr.
Pence is still living. You'll note he pub. the book himself.
Here's a 'sample,' hilarious excerpt :
TWO LONGS AND A SHORT
by Dick Pence
Copyright 1997
[Note: This story, adapted to various changing events, has
appeared in more than 150 newspapers and magazines since it was
first written about 1984. The following version appeared in The
Washington Post in 1991, shortly after a computer glitch caused a
"long-distance blackout" on the East Coast.]
Those big phone outages of the past couple of weeks have had me
feeling a bit guilty over what's been happening. You see, I
remember exactly how all this started.
Back in 1950 I was a novice seahand aboard a cruiser based in
Philadelphia, barely six months out of high school and fresh from
the plains of South Dakota. One Friday night in November, we were
granted shore leave at the end of a two-week training cruise.
Homesick and seasick, I headed immediately for the row of pay
phones that lined the dock.
Depositing a carefully preserved nickel (remember?), I dialed
"O." The following is a roughly verbatim account of what
transpired after the Philadelphia operator answered.
"I'd like to place a station-to-station collect call to the Bob
Pence residence in Columbia, South Dakota," I said in my best
telephone voice.
The Philadelphia operator was sure she had heard wrong.
"You mean Columbia, South Carolina, don't you?"
"No, I mean Columbia, South Dakota." I had tried to call home
once before and I was ready for that one.
"Certainly. What is the number, please?" I could tell she still
didn't believe me.
"They don't have a number," I mumbled. Like I said, I'd tried to
call home before and I knew what was coming.
She was incredulous. "They don't have a number?"
"I don't think so."
"I can't complete the call without a number. Do you have it?" she
demanded.
I didn't relish being even more of a bumpkin, but I was in the
Navy and I knew authority when I heard it.
"Well, the only thing I know is . . . TWO LONGS AND A SHORT."
I think that's the first time she snorted. "Never mind. I'll get
the number for you. One moment please."
There followed an audible click and a long period of silence
while she apparently first determined if, indeed, there was a
Columbia, South Dakota, and then if it was possible to call
there. When she returned to the line, she was armed with the
not-insignificant knowledge necessary to complete her task.
In deliberate succession, she dialed an operator in Cleveland,
asked her to dial one in Chicago, asked Chicago to dial
Minneapolis, and Minneapolis to dial Sioux City, Iowa. Sioux City
called Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and the operator there dialed
one in Aberdeen, South Dakota. At last, Aberdeen dialed the
operator in Columbia.
By this time, Philadelphia's patience was wearing thin, but when
Columbia answered, she knew what had to be done.
"The number for the Bob Pence residence, please," she said, now
in control.
Columbia didn't even hesitate. "That's two longs and a short,"
she declared.
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pub. 1997, 184 pages, Softbound
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If you should decide to buy a copy it's 'first come, first served.'
The price is $11.00 + $2.00 shipping.
(Originally I paid $11.95 + $4.00 shipping, so isn't this a 'bargain'?)
A portion of the proceeds from any sales will go to our local historical
& genealogical society.
Thanks for your time & patience, Martha